I just want to feel more confident

...but what does that really mean?

Emma sat across from me, eyes flicking between the tissue box and the floor. “I just want to feel more confident,” she said, almost like a confession.

I nodded gently. “Tell me what that looks like to you.”

She paused. “I don’t know. Not overthinking everything. Not worrying so much about what people think. Just being able to… do the thing. Say what I want to say.”

There it was….the gap. The idea that confidence means no fear, no doubt, no inner critic. Just poise and power, all day, every day.

But here’s the truth I often share with clients like Emma:

Confidence isn’t the absence of fear, it’s the willingness to bring fear with you.

The myth of fearless confidence

We live in a culture that shouts: “Be fearless!” “Fake it till you make it!” “Confidence is key!”

It paints a picture of confidence as strutting into a room without a flicker of self-doubt, taking risks without anxiety, speaking up without the fear of judgment. But that version? It’s a polished highlight reel. It’s not the messy, human truth of what real confidence looks like.

The reality is that confidence doesn’t mean you’re never afraid. It means you know why you’re doing something and you're willing to feel uncomfortable for it.

Think about it. The first time you tried anything meaningful - setting a boundary, showing vulnerability, applying for a job you cared about….you were probably scared. And you did it anyway.

That’s confidence. Not loud. Not shiny. Just brave enough to try.

The real question: What are you willing to be uncomfortable for?

When someone says, “I want to build my confidence,” I gently dig deeper. Because it’s not usually about being fearless. It’s about wanting to live a fuller life - one where you can be honest in relationships, take up space, say no, apply for that role, start that project, or finally stop hiding parts of yourself.

So here’s a question to reflect on:

👉 What would you be doing if fear and self-doubt weren’t in the way?

Is it being more open in your relationship? Standing up to a parent or boss? Sharing your creativity? Setting better boundaries?

Your answer is the heart of what confidence means for you, not a generic version of “feeling bold,” but something deeply personal and vulnerable.

Emma’s story (And maybe yours, too)

Let’s go back to Emma. She came to therapy saying she wanted to “feel more confident.” But as we talked, she realised what she actually wanted was to stop silencing herself in relationships. She’d catch herself swallowing her feelings, overexplaining, or saying “yes” when her whole body was screaming “no.”

It wasn’t that she didn’t know what she wanted. It was that expressing it felt risky.

We worked together to explore where that came from - how early family dynamics taught her that peace meant keeping others happy. That her needs were “too much.” That love was earned by being easy, agreeable, selfless.

Once she understood that, we got clearer on what confidence would really look like: learning to tolerate the vulnerability of being seen and still standing her ground.

She didn’t need to be louder, brasher, or fearless.

She needed to practice being braver… in moments that mattered to her.

A reflection exercise: Building your kind of confidence

If you’ve ever said, “I want to feel more confident,” this part’s for you. Let’s slow it down and break it into something real, doable, and yours.

Step 1: What do you want to be confident doing?

Instead of trying to feel confident in general, pinpoint the area that matters to you.

✍️ Journal prompt: What’s one situation where I wish I could show up differently?

Is it speaking up in meetings? Asking for reassurance without shame? Starting conversations at social events? Notice what comes up - it usually lives where there’s discomfort or longing.

Step 2: What makes it feel vulnerable?

This is the gold. We’re not avoiding vulnerability, we’re getting intimate with it. Because this is where your growth lives.

✍️ Journal prompt: What am I afraid might happen if I do this thing? What story am I telling myself?

Maybe you fear rejection, being “too much,” getting it wrong, or not being liked. Write it all down. No judgment. These are tender places that deserve compassion.

Step 3: What’s one brave step I can try (even with fear)?

You don’t need to jump into the deep end. Confidence grows in small, repeatable acts of courage.

✍️ Journal prompt: What’s the tiniest version of this action I could take this week?

If you want to speak more openly with your partner, maybe you start by saying, “Can I share something I’ve been nervous to say?”If you want to stop people-pleasing, maybe you practice pausing before saying yes.If you want to be more assertive, maybe you rehearse a sentence and try it out once this week.

One step. Then another. That’s how confidence is built… not magically felt.

Step 4: Repeat, Review, Rewire

Here’s the key: Confidence isn’t built by thinking your way into it, it’s built through experience.

When you do something brave and survive it (which you will), your nervous system learns, “Oh. We can do that.” It’s not about perfection, it’s about exposure and evidence.

✍️ Journal prompt: What did I try? What happened? What did I learn about myself?

Celebrate the effort, not just the outcome. That’s the part that rewires your belief about who you are and what you’re capable of.

Confidence is grown, not given

If no one ever told you this before: you don’t need to wait until you “feel confident” to start.

You just need to care enough about what’s on the other side of fear.

Confidence is grown in those micro-moments, every time you:

• Say the thing, even though your heart races.

• Ask for help, even if it feels exposing.

• Let someone see the real you, even when it’s awkward.

• Hold your boundary, even if your voice shakes.

And you don’t have to do any of this alone.

The therapeutic space: Where confidence can be practiced

The beauty of therapy is that it gives you a safe space to practice being real. To say what you mean, to be seen in your mess, to explore the parts of you that learned to stay quiet or small.

With the right therapist, you’re not just learning strategies, you’re experiencing a new kind of relationship. One where your voice matters. One where it’s safe to take up space. One where vulnerability isn’t punished but honoured.

Over time, that experience becomes a mirror. And slowly, you start to carry that sense of self into the rest of your life.

Just like Emma did.

Final words (And a gentle nudge)

If you’ve been waiting to feel confident before you make a change… what if this is your invitation to start now?

To choose courage, not perfection. To bring fear with you instead of waiting for it to disappear. To take one step toward the version of you that feels more true.

If you’d like support with that, I’m here. Therapy with me is down-to-earth, warm, and conversational. No awkward silences or clinical coldness - just real talk, safe space, and guidance that meets you where you are.

Reach out if you’re ready to stop waiting and start growing. Confidence isn’t something you have or don’t have - it’s something you build. One brave moment at a time.

Note: Emma is a fictional client based on real conversations I have had over the years. 'Emma' in this blog, has helped me illustrate what a session could look like exploring confidence.