Guilt and shame are two emotions that can feel overwhelming, yet they often interlace in our experience. For those who frequently take on the role of fixing, rescuing, and prioritizing others over themselves, these emotions can become deeply rooted and difficult to navigate. Understanding their differences, how they show up, and how to work through them is a powerful step toward self-compassion and emotional freedom.

Guilt vs shame, let’s understand the differences:
Guilt arises from our behaviour. It is linked to the sense that we’ve done something wrong or failed to act in a way that aligns with our values. Guilt often sounds like, “I did something bad.” It’s an action-focused emotion that can inspire change or repair. I’ve talked before about how guilt is aligned to our values; it can be helpful if we have strayed away from what we believe is right but also gives us an opportunity to look at the values and standards we hold for ourselves and challenge I if we are holding ourselves to impossible high standards or misinterpreting our actions through a lens of self-criticism.
Shame on the other hand, is tied to our sense of self. It’s the internalised belief that, “I am bad.” Instead of focusing on actions, shame challenges who we are at our core, leading to feelings of ‘I am unworthy’ and disconnection.
While guilt can feel uncomfortable and heavy, it often comes with a sense of urgency to take corrective action, like apologising or making amends. Shame, however, is more isolating and immobilising. A feeling of freeze or being stuck. It often brings a sense of helplessness, fuelling thoughts like, ‘I’m not enough’ and can lead to avoidance or withdrawal. Minimising ourselves. Hiding ourselves.
Guilt can be productive when approached constructively, but shame tends to be destructive, chipping away at self-worth and perpetuating cycles of self-sacrifice and people-pleasing.
We have learnt to be shameful…
Shame is often rooted in early life experiences. It may stem from messages received when we are young, such as:
Being criticised or compared to others.
Feeling responsible for family dynamics or sibling struggles.
Learning that love or approval is conditional upon meeting certain expectations; our conditions of being worthy.
Over time, these external messages become internalised, forming a belief system where self-worth is contingent on perfection, control, or rescuing others.
5 tips to breaking the shame cycle…
Where did this sense of shame come from? Reflect on early memories, patterns, or messages that may have shaped this belief. Understanding the source can help you begin to separate your true self from the learned behaviours and thoughts.
Shift from “I Am” to “I Feel”: Replace shame-based thoughts like “I am not enough” with feeling-based acknowledgments, such as “I feel like I’m not enough right now.” This small shift can help you recognise emotions as temporary and external, rather than permanent and internal.
Reframe through reality: Challenge unhelpful thinking by asking:
Is this belief true?
What evidence supports or contradicts this thought?
How would I speak to a friend experiencing this feeling?
Reconnect with yourself: Focus on your own needs and desires by:
Practicing mindfulness to stay present with your emotions.
Journaling about what brings you joy or peace.
Setting boundaries to protect your energy and time.
Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself in moments of shame. Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes and has flaws, and that these do not define your worth. Embrace affirmations and supportive self-talk to counter the inner critic.
Lastly, repeat after me…
I am worthy as I am. My feelings are valid, but they do not define me. I have the strength to honour my needs, set boundaries, and show up for myself with love and kindness.
Helpful links to further understand shame:
Peter Levine: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VOU0J7Wmnp0
The psychology of shame: https://open.spotify.com/episode/7tsawS6ulX22FCPtam8qls
Brene Brown: https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame
Comments